What I Learned From Cosmo This Month

Here is what I learned from the January 2008 issue of Cosmopolitan:

-Kristin Bell is merely "guy hot." I'm so glad that I read that because I was under the mistaken impression that she was merely hot.

-Men's Fitness "told guys how to turn a one-night stand into a regular booty call. The trick: Remember her name be associating it with a phrase 'such as Scary Mary or Morgan the Monster.'" I, however, will never have my name associated in such a manner because lets face it...no one's going to forget the name Nude Platypus.

-There is something truly disturbing about this month's "guy without his shirt." I can't decided it it's the grotesquely overdeveloped abs or the stupid tattoos.

-The beauty Q & A page answers our burning beauty questions. One reader apparently had an issue with her hair freezing and becoming crunchy when she went out into the freezing winter weather with wet hair. What did I learn? I learned that there is a new person on my list of people that need to be kicked in the face for being so damn stupid. The current number one is that chick who sings the Bubbly song.

-Will Forte who is apparently on Saturday Night Live is adorable. Okay, that is something that I actually learned by leafing through this issue.

-Somebody's soul died when they had to write the headline for the Red-Hot Read section "from Hot, by Julia Harper AN AFFAIR WITH AGENT DOUBLE-OHH SEXY." (pg. 184)

-All you need to learn about a guy can be gleaned by giving him super sneaky tests. My favorite (p. 103): ask him what he looks at first when buying a used car. If he looks at upholstery and rims then he's only interested in your looks. If he examines any rust on the frame or chips in the paint then he is only interested in your past. If he is most interested in the engine power then he wants an adventurous "chick." If online ratings and reviews are what gets him hot then he's rational but too interested in what people think. And finally, if he is only interested in how it drives then he's a man who lives in the moment. Gentlemen be prepared...all of my first dates will now be subjected to this test.

-And where shall we go on said first date...we're in luck because the astrology page comes to the rescue. My best date itinerary is fruit and wine tasting for two. Thanks Cosmo!!

Scariest thing on television

The other day I saw the scariest thing that I have ever seen on television. And no, I am not talking about Michigan's loss to a 2A school.

No...the other day I took a personal day and was at my sister's house doing laundry. I turned on their tv and it was on Nick (courtesy of my niece's pre-school viewing of Spongebob Squarepants) and I was greeted by this:




So of course I kept watching and it didn't stop.





I then tivo'd the rest of it so that my teenage niece could bask in the insane glory of Yo Gabba Gabba.

Snape a good guy?

I like most people now have my copy of the latest Harry Potter.

And I'm still convinced that Snape will turn out to be a good guy in it.

Of course, I was also convinced that Tony was the mole on 24 up until he was killed off the show. And frankly, I'm still on the Tony was a mole bandwagon.

Friday the Thirteenth

My wee little niece's tenth birthday party was scheduled for Friday the Thirteenth at the local water park.

Since I work at a school and have summers free I was designated that person that had to pick up two friends of my nieces, some ice, the cake and balloons, deliver all the kids to the water park and decorate the party room.

There was some concern about rain and the park closing. But my sister called and spoke to the manager that morning and was assured that they were staying open.

After yelling at the oldest niece to get her ass in the car and listening to her complain about having to do her makeup in the car (despite the fact that I woke her up a good three hours before we were leaving) we were finally on our way.

Kids got picked up.

Ice was bought.

Cake and balloons were picked up.

I was on my way to the water park when my sister called and told me that she had just called the park to see if they take check cards as she had forgotten her checkbook and she was informed that the park had closed three hours earlier.

I drove around aimlessly until I got another call directing me to a local pizza joint.

My niece asked me to stop at Wal-Mart (the bane of my existence) to get her some goody bags. And I spoil her rotten...so I did. Upon returning to the car (my sister's car since I was lugging around so many people) I saw a tire was flat.

The trunk of her car contains chairs, an inordinate amount of softball equipment, a skateboard, a spare tire and a jack. But no tire iron.

So there I am about to lose it in the Wal-Mart parking lot.

A friend came and got the girls, the cake and the balloons while I waited for my uncle to come save me.

Finally, on my way to eat some pizza. I had planned on switching vehicles with my sister and heading home but she needed someone to haul kids. So I got to stay and go to the mall and the movies with a bunch of ten-year-olds. I know, you're thinking "how lucky can one person get."

The movie is over and I am released from my obligations. The fourteen-year-old niece and I are heading home. We stop at a convenience store on the highway to get something to drink.

We get back in the truck (I have swapped vehicles with my sister at this point). And the truck won't start.

Obviously, I should not have left the house on Friday the Thirteenth.

Transformers

Yesterday, I took my 14-year-old niece to see Transformers. We decided to see the 11:30 showing and I stressed that we had to leave the house in enough time to see all of the trailers...most importantly the train wreck J.J.Abrahms trailers.

We walk into the theater at 11:32 and they are playing Harry Potter instead. Fine by us...but ten minutes into Harry Potter and the lights come on and the screen goes blank. Soon the light go down and the screen lights up and they cued it directly to the beginning of Transformers.

So no ailers and no illicit viwing of Harry Potter. Shia LaBeouf though is hot. And I looked it up ... he's 21, so it's perfectly okay for me to thank he's hot.

I Love Those Pre-Kers

School is finally out. If I stay with teaching, I will be moving to middle school.

This last year, I've spent a lot of time in a Pre-K classroom working with a little girl with Downs. I could never be in a Pre-K classroom all day long. That takes a special kind of person and I'm not nearly that special.

One great thing about kids that young is that they are free with "I love you" and they compliment you all the time.

And if one compliments you then they all want to.

Case in point:

A couple of weeks ago, I was wearing a really cute pair of shoes and one of the boys said, "oh Miss Platypus, I love your shoes."

I replied, "thank you honey, that's very sweet."

And then the compliment avalanche began with "I love your shoes" and "I love your shirt" and even "I love your pants." However, one little boy managed to stop the compliments with "I love your shoes and your pants and your shirt and your FACE...oh, and your glasses."

I doubt I'll be handing out many "thank you honey, that's very sweet" comments to middle school kids.

Crazy...of the Batshit Variety

I maintain that my mother's side of the family is batshit crazy. Luckily, my father was an ocean of sanity. I believe that I managed to escape the crazy (except for my paranoia...I'm convinced that there are security cameras in all elevators regardless if you can see them or not).

Currently, two of my aunts are not speaking to each other.

Did one spread nasty rumors about the other?

Did one steal from the other?

No, because that would make too much sense.

One aunt said she would bring potato salad to a cookout. She did not. The other aunt is so enraged that she refuses to speak to aunt number one.

They're all batshit crazy.