What I Learned From Cosmo This Month

Here is what I learned from the January 2008 issue of Cosmopolitan:

-Kristin Bell is merely "guy hot." I'm so glad that I read that because I was under the mistaken impression that she was merely hot.

-Men's Fitness "told guys how to turn a one-night stand into a regular booty call. The trick: Remember her name be associating it with a phrase 'such as Scary Mary or Morgan the Monster.'" I, however, will never have my name associated in such a manner because lets face it...no one's going to forget the name Nude Platypus.

-There is something truly disturbing about this month's "guy without his shirt." I can't decided it it's the grotesquely overdeveloped abs or the stupid tattoos.

-The beauty Q & A page answers our burning beauty questions. One reader apparently had an issue with her hair freezing and becoming crunchy when she went out into the freezing winter weather with wet hair. What did I learn? I learned that there is a new person on my list of people that need to be kicked in the face for being so damn stupid. The current number one is that chick who sings the Bubbly song.

-Will Forte who is apparently on Saturday Night Live is adorable. Okay, that is something that I actually learned by leafing through this issue.

-Somebody's soul died when they had to write the headline for the Red-Hot Read section "from Hot, by Julia Harper AN AFFAIR WITH AGENT DOUBLE-OHH SEXY." (pg. 184)

-All you need to learn about a guy can be gleaned by giving him super sneaky tests. My favorite (p. 103): ask him what he looks at first when buying a used car. If he looks at upholstery and rims then he's only interested in your looks. If he examines any rust on the frame or chips in the paint then he is only interested in your past. If he is most interested in the engine power then he wants an adventurous "chick." If online ratings and reviews are what gets him hot then he's rational but too interested in what people think. And finally, if he is only interested in how it drives then he's a man who lives in the moment. Gentlemen be prepared...all of my first dates will now be subjected to this test.

-And where shall we go on said first date...we're in luck because the astrology page comes to the rescue. My best date itinerary is fruit and wine tasting for two. Thanks Cosmo!!