Vacation

I have spent the last two days babysitting the wee little niece and one of her friends.

I have done this by sitting on my sister's couch and playing the niece's gamecube non-stop for both those days.

My sister came home yesterday and my hands were curved in the shape of the controller and they hurt.

I think I have a problem. The first step is admitting it.

champagne

At the liquor store on the highway, you can get three bottles of champagne for a mere $10.99.


Ummmmm...tasty.

Freedom

I am free for two whole weeks. No little kids saying my name eight billion times in a half hour period. No little kids refusing to do their work or take tests. I am free. And it's a good thing because Friday they were driving my up a wall. And I was about ten seconds from losing it when a little pre-k boy came up to me and said "Ms. Nudeplatypus, I love you."

He was just the cutest little thing.

Still, I shall relish my two weeks of freedom.

Christmas Eve

My sister told me that she has planned a family Christmas Eve. This family gathering includes the entire family.

We haven't done such a gathering since my grandmother passed away a decade ago. And there is a good reason for that.

My family is batshit crazy. And not good batshit crazy. They are bad batshit crazy.

And my sister is apparently smoking the crack if she thinks this gathering will be fun.

Today

I did not want to get out of bed. But then I remembered that I had promised to sub for one of the high school teachers first hour. So, I drug myself out of bed and made it to the school. I did not make anyone cry today...so, it was a pretty good day.

Haircut

I got a haircut today and the lady who cut my hair gave me the best scalp massage while she was washing my hair.

I practically fell asleep in the chair.

It was more than worth the forty bucks I paid.

Forehead

My forehead no longer hurts but there is still a big bruise on it.

Also, I was forced to tell people the truth as to how I incurred the injury because I could not think of a good lie.

I blame the concussion.

Post Thanksgiving Injuries

I hate shopping. And I hate crowds. So, you think that I would do everything I could to avoid stores and shopping malls on the day after Thanksgiving...right?

Well, my lovely sister has a butthead of a boss who makes her work on the day after Thanksgiving. So, being the best sister in the whole entire world, I did her shopping for her.

At one store, I was bending over to look at t-shirts on a table and I smashed my head into a clothes rack.

And when I write smashed...I really do mean smashed.

I had a big red spot, a small bump and quite possibly a concussion. It really hurt.

I hate shopping.

Sinfull

Today, I was behind a car that had a vanity license plate that read "SINFULL."

I don't know what the driver needs to be kicked in the head harder for...the fact that she has a vanity license plate or the fact that she spelled sinful wrong.

Crayola

I like the smell of crayons.

Halloween

I am wearing orange and black striped socks in honor of Halloween. They are soft and fuzzy and really quite magical.

I know...you're jealous.

Today I...

Today I made a nine-year-old boy cry.

And I got to deal with a kindergartener who was pretending to be a cat. She meowed and she hissed. But she didn't tell what sound the letter L makes.

Precious

"[I] am more precious than all the stars above."

At least, that's what my raisin box had printed on it this morning.

Migraines

Last night I had a horrible headache and then my vision became fuzzy.

Now, because I spent the summer watching reruns of House, I was immediately convinced that I had some exotic disease.

However, it was just a migraine...so, no exotic disease for me.

Volcanos

I just finished reading Pompeii by Richard Harris.

The back cover has a quotation from the review in People and it says "the blast from Vesuvius seriously kicks ash."

I kid you not...that is what it says. I don't expect much from People but that is seriously asinine.

I am now reading Krakatoa by Simon Winchester.

I'm going for a whole volcano theme.

candy corn

You know what the best thing about October is...candy corn.

Lifetime

My darling sister is constantly watching Lifetime and Lifetime Movie Network. In honor of her, I present the best Lifetime Movie Description for the last week:

Falling For You--Starring Jennie Garth, Costas Mandylor and Billy Dee Williams

"A serial killer attacks a commercial artist, leaves her with amnesia and becomes her neighbor."

That's beautiful in so many different ways.

Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart has the world's worst George W. Bush impersonation ever.

However, every time he does the "heh, heh, heh" to end the impersonation, I crack up laughing.

Burnt Potato Chips

I love those potato chips that are just a wee bit burnt. They are all brown and crispy.

If they made bags of chips like that, I would eat them all day long.

Balto.

I have 26 kids in reading sufficiency. Nine of the kids are third graders. As a result, I heard Balto: The Dog Who Saved Nome approximately eight billion times last week. I was beginning to hate that fucking dog.

Banned Books Week

I'm a bit late to the Banned Books Week bandwagon, but in honor of the week, the Top 10 Most Challenged Books of 2004 courtesy and directly copied for the American Library Association:

1. The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier--sexual content, offensive language, religious viewpoint, being unsuited ot age group and violence

2. Fallen Angels by Walter Dean Myers--racism, offensive language, and violence

3. Arming America: The Origins of a National Gun Culture by Michael A. Bellesiles--inaccuracy and political viewpoint

4. The Captain Underpants series by Dav Pilkey--offensive language and modeling bad behavior

5. The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky--homosexuality, sexual content, and offensive language

6. What My Mother Doesn't Know by Sonya Sones--sexual content and offensive language

7. In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak--nudity and offensive language

8. King & King by Linda de Haan and Stern Nijland--homosexuality

9. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou--racism, homosexuality, sexual content, offensive language and unsuited to age group

10. Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck--racism, offensive language and violence.

Remember, if you work yourself up into a moralistic rage and feel the need to burn some books please do the world a favor and burn Lauren Weisberger's The Devil Wears Prada. The literary world would be a better place without it.

Masturbating Judges

Today, I was reading the newspaper and there was one story that caught my eye.

It was about a judge that was being charged with indecent exposure because he allegedly liked to masturbate during courtroom procedures.

He began masturbating during witness testimony and then moved on to doing it at any old time.

I'm fascinated by this story.

Was the witness testimony so erotic that he had to whip it out?

Or, was he just bored?

Today, I was sitting in the teachers' lounge trying to enjoy my lunch of left-over pizza.

The topic of conversation: Wet Dreams.

Normally, I'm not opposed to wet dreams as a topic of conversation. However, the discussions put images in my head that will never go away and will require loads of therapy.